The New Deal

So, the other day, I was sitting in the bathroom (now don't worry, I've been back since, I'm just referring to this particular visit). Anyhow, I'm looking at the toilet paper and it hits me (not the TP, cuz that'd be sick. I mean the idea)... Who got to be the guy that decided the measurements for toilet paper. Now obviously rolls come in all different lengths that make the roll larger. But for the most part, the size of the squares are the same size (at least home TP, businesses cheap out a lot and have smaller squares).

Well, I did some research and the results are quite interesting. Back in 1776, a man by the name of Thomas Paine was completing the greatest work of toilet tablature, Common Sense. It was frustration and anger that birthed toilet paper. As he sat there writing, he couldn't capture his ideas. By the end of his visit, he had made no progress. Now I don't know if you remember the Salem Witch Trials and so on, but these guys back then were superstitious. Paine couldn't allow this day to ruin his career. He had to wipe his writer's block away. In a bold move of symbolic nature, brought about by the frustrations of being a struggling writer, he became the proud inventor of 'Toilet Paper,' which they used to call 'Butt Parchment.'

Paine was never again short on words, he sold books all around the world for people to wipe their tushes with. And he thus became a household name. Astonishingly, people of the day began to have longer lifespans, but they had one quarrel.

According to the article, Paine in the Ass, in the New York Times (June 3, 1831), Clifton Richie suggested using fabric instead of paper. "The question you need to ask yourself is what's more important: a fresh feeling or less laundry." That very thought resounded in the minds of many. Word spread and people world-wide were wiping with all kinds of material. Cotton quickly became the new standard for comfort. And because of this trend, the cotton industry boomed. After all, it is the fabric of our lives.

Paine in the Ass led to many social ramifications. On the surface, it provided people with comfort, but deep down it led to some of the most historically significant changes of the Modern World. Most importantly, it became the basis for commentary on the class system of the day. Wiping material became a status symbol. While the rich were using the whitest, softest cottons, those slaves producing the cotton were still using Common Sense.

This was totally unacceptable to the creator of the cotton/paper blend, Mr. Abraham Lincoln. His invention and political prowess liberated slaves and allowed everyone a soft, disposable method of cleansing one's self. Abe's patent on the blend ran out in the early 1920's and everybody wanted a piece of the Toilet Paper pie. All different brands and sizes were released to the public in a flurry. It was simply too much for the American people to handle. People didn't know which was better, so they bought it all up. While the TP business flourished, every other business fell, and took us into the Great Depression. Our greed had taken us to the point where we were literally flushing our greatest resource down the drain.

And this brings me to the answer of my initial question: Who was it that decided the measurements for toilet paper? Franklin D. Roosevelt. In part of his New Deal plan, he outlined the exact measurements for toilet paper squares, and drew up the dimensions for toilet paper holders; simultaneously ending the Depression and providing people with an excellent resource for dispensing wiping material.

And there you have it, folks. That's why all toilet paper rolls fit so nicely in your little roller there on the side of your John.