The Rules

This post is inspired by a real blog.

A good friend directed me to Ms. Warren's blog where I became fully aware of the proper etiquette in the ladies room. Seeing as how I'm not a lady, I felt it was my responsibility to create the rules of the little boys room. Some of this is also inspired by Brett's comments on the blog. You might be sitting there saying, "But Nick, I'm a lady, what's the point of reading yours?" First off, I commend you if you're sitting on the John with that thought. Secondly, I know many a lady who has made a wrong turn and ended up nearly sitting on a urinal. And that would be a violation.

Which is where we'll begin. The Men's Room Taboos. Everybody (and I use the term loosely) knows that you don't talk to or about a pitcher that is throwing a no-hitter. Well, it ain't too different when a man steps up to the plate we've come to know as the urinal. It just throws a fella off. See, guys don't think when they're in the bathroom. You say 'Hey' to the dude next to you, you better be prepared for that guy to turn around midstream and be like, 'What up.' Which is all he'll get out before you both realize you've become the sixth urinal in the line up.

Speaking of line up, the urinal situation can be complex. There's always a choice. Some people are just not that good at making decisions. Snap decision making, however, is guy code. When you go in the bathroom, you gotta get to your destination, get your business done, and get out of that bathroom before your girlfriend moves forward three spots in line. In most bathrooms, there's always the kid urinal. It stands about two feet shorter than the others. Go with that one. It will make you seem bigger, yet in touch with your inner child. If that's not an option, go where somebody will be least likely to stand right next to you. This is typically one of the ends. And God help you if you have 8 open urinals and you take the one right next to another dude. That is purely a last resort.

In the event that you reach a tub urinal (as commonly found in stadiums), try to have a sword fight. This may take some getting used to, but it will make you the most popular guy in the restroom. For beginners, here's how it works. You stand next to another guy and you cross his stream, then you go back and wait for retaliation. If your chosen foe chooses not to retaliate, he is admitting that you would easily defeat him and you need to move on to a more worthy foe. Any good sword fighter will tell you that their greatest fights were "Royal Rumble" style, where as many as twelve other fighters can jump in the ring at the same time. My suggestion: carry a stat book and try to beat your personal and friends' records. Don't forget to swap stories and show battle scars with your opponents (this is the only exception to the no talking in the bathroom rule).

Now for the stalls. A men's restroom without a stall is like a movie without a soundtrack. At home, you've got to keep things under wraps for the sake of family or guests. But in the men's room, watch out! This is where legends are born. First things first, always bring a pen or marker to write clever things on the stall walls. Every one will wonder who was so creative and funny. Secondly, always choose the handicapped stall. People with disabilities are very clean and will leave you a pleasant place to sit. And finally, you are there for a reason. You are there to put others to shame. You have a right, nay, a responsibility to make the best noises and odors. Everybody will praise you for your valiant efforts.

And last but not least, "A man in need is a man indeed." Do not help your fellow man in the restroom, for you will strip away his honor. If he's going to step back to the real world with his fly unzipped or some TP on his shoe, that's his battle, and you can't fight it for him.

And there you have it, the unwritten code of the little boy's room. So please, go forth and do the right thing. Spread the message and let the mens room continue to be a sacred place in the hearts of men.