Get-Rich-Quick Scheme

If you've read my Christmas List of things you can't buy on eBay; you'd know that there are quite a few things you can't buy on eBay. Well, that's all about to change. I'm going to put myself on the financial map by being the first to sell a world record. That's right, ladies and gentlefellows, I'm going to do what no man has done before.

This, of course, poses a few valid arguments: a) You can't sell a record you don't own; and b) Records are accomplishments, and are non-transferrable.

I can't deny either of these facts... because, after all, they're fact. There's no getting around them. But there is one thing that I can sell that defies these truities (yeah, I'm sure it's not a word but I'm going with it anyways).

So, what am I selling? The world record for "The Most Money Spent on a World Record." That's right, one lucky guy or gal will finally be able to fulfill their lifelong dreams and cast away their previous lifetime of failure and disappointment. I'm just like Santa Claus, giving out hope to the highest bidder... well, maybe not quite like Santa, but oh well.

My Christmas List

Well kids, Christmas season has hit the stores. And well, we're in America, so we celebrate by shopping. Now, I say Christmas, but I mean everything from Hannukah to Kwanzaa and everything in between. Whatever your holiday, you probably celebrate by spending. And what's better than getting gifts for no reason?... How about giving for no apparent reason. Yes my friends, this is the time where you can give your sister that third crock-pot she's been dying for. Because after all, it's the thought that counts.

Why the heck do we tell kids that? When I was a kid, that was my loophole. I did all my holiday shopping at "Everything's $1." I thought hard about every dollar I spent (especially the extra dollars I got to spend on candy for myself afterward). When you tell a kid that it's the thought that counts, their immediate thought is "sweet, I don't have to spend a lot." Well, I say if you ain't gonna spend much.... don't spend anything. And just cuz you don't spend anything doesn't mean you're giving nothing. If you're going for the "thought" thing, your gift's gotta come completely free. How do you know if it qualifies? If you can't buy it on eBay.

Here's my Christmas list (of things you can't buy on eBay)
-a kidney
-the internet
-eBay
-redemption
-other people's family photos
-a giant 40 foot spoon
-a world record
-a used roll of film

Unfortunately the following gifts are available on eBay... but they're pretty sweet
-popularity
-chocolate stapler
-the Hollywood sign
-chicken pox
-a 100 year old beehive

Happy "shopping."

The Rules

This post is inspired by a real blog.

A good friend directed me to Ms. Warren's blog where I became fully aware of the proper etiquette in the ladies room. Seeing as how I'm not a lady, I felt it was my responsibility to create the rules of the little boys room. Some of this is also inspired by Brett's comments on the blog. You might be sitting there saying, "But Nick, I'm a lady, what's the point of reading yours?" First off, I commend you if you're sitting on the John with that thought. Secondly, I know many a lady who has made a wrong turn and ended up nearly sitting on a urinal. And that would be a violation.

Which is where we'll begin. The Men's Room Taboos. Everybody (and I use the term loosely) knows that you don't talk to or about a pitcher that is throwing a no-hitter. Well, it ain't too different when a man steps up to the plate we've come to know as the urinal. It just throws a fella off. See, guys don't think when they're in the bathroom. You say 'Hey' to the dude next to you, you better be prepared for that guy to turn around midstream and be like, 'What up.' Which is all he'll get out before you both realize you've become the sixth urinal in the line up.

Speaking of line up, the urinal situation can be complex. There's always a choice. Some people are just not that good at making decisions. Snap decision making, however, is guy code. When you go in the bathroom, you gotta get to your destination, get your business done, and get out of that bathroom before your girlfriend moves forward three spots in line. In most bathrooms, there's always the kid urinal. It stands about two feet shorter than the others. Go with that one. It will make you seem bigger, yet in touch with your inner child. If that's not an option, go where somebody will be least likely to stand right next to you. This is typically one of the ends. And God help you if you have 8 open urinals and you take the one right next to another dude. That is purely a last resort.

In the event that you reach a tub urinal (as commonly found in stadiums), try to have a sword fight. This may take some getting used to, but it will make you the most popular guy in the restroom. For beginners, here's how it works. You stand next to another guy and you cross his stream, then you go back and wait for retaliation. If your chosen foe chooses not to retaliate, he is admitting that you would easily defeat him and you need to move on to a more worthy foe. Any good sword fighter will tell you that their greatest fights were "Royal Rumble" style, where as many as twelve other fighters can jump in the ring at the same time. My suggestion: carry a stat book and try to beat your personal and friends' records. Don't forget to swap stories and show battle scars with your opponents (this is the only exception to the no talking in the bathroom rule).

Now for the stalls. A men's restroom without a stall is like a movie without a soundtrack. At home, you've got to keep things under wraps for the sake of family or guests. But in the men's room, watch out! This is where legends are born. First things first, always bring a pen or marker to write clever things on the stall walls. Every one will wonder who was so creative and funny. Secondly, always choose the handicapped stall. People with disabilities are very clean and will leave you a pleasant place to sit. And finally, you are there for a reason. You are there to put others to shame. You have a right, nay, a responsibility to make the best noises and odors. Everybody will praise you for your valiant efforts.

And last but not least, "A man in need is a man indeed." Do not help your fellow man in the restroom, for you will strip away his honor. If he's going to step back to the real world with his fly unzipped or some TP on his shoe, that's his battle, and you can't fight it for him.

And there you have it, the unwritten code of the little boy's room. So please, go forth and do the right thing. Spread the message and let the mens room continue to be a sacred place in the hearts of men.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmm

Sometimes people hear or read my comments and they say to me, "Nick, you should take life more seriously. I mean, you could die tomorrow." So, that's what I'm going to comment on today. Something really really serious. The most serious thing in the world: SERIOUSNESS. I put that in all caps because I wanted people to know that today I'm going to be serious. For too long I've looked on the light side of things, just trying to see the good side in all circumstances. But there's nothing good to see in seriousness, so I must be serious about it. So, without further ado... let's get serious.

I was always that kid. You know the kid. When you and your friends were listening to more serious music like C & C Music Factory, New Kids on the Block, and Frankie J, I was listening to lighthearted music... like Vanilla Ice and Extreme. I mean, think about it: ice that's vanilla, that's got slapstick written all over it. And as far as Extreme goes, that band picked the name as a joke. Everybody knows they're a light-hearted band and merely picked the name Extreme because it's a really really serious name. Well, people didn't find their little joke funny. What the band didn't know is that society has high expectations for anything EXTREME. And if it is called Extreme, it better freakin be EXTREME. And by EXTREME I don't mean extreme, I mean EXTREME. Extreme sports, Extreme Right Guard, Extreme Tackle and Bait... those things are no joking matter.

What happened to Extreme anyways? I'll tell you what happened. Society deemed them too insincere and hired a thug by the name of Frankie J to take the light-hearted hit 'More Than Words' and toughen it up. What used to be a song about a man's experience with a mime has now been turned into a love song. Why? Love is serious. Mimes clearly are not. And so it was, Extreme's reputation, by request of the people, has been forever tarnished by Frankie J. And we all know he's serious because he sounds like a dying raccoon. When he hits those high notes, you know it's the TRUTH.

But there’s more to seriousness than music. Other things are serious too. Blogs. Blogs are meant for raw emotion and the really important things in our everyday lives. Some people make jocular comments towards Blogs and Bloggers. And those people are making a mockery of society and should probably be shipped off to Kentucky where there is no internet. Kentucky, on the other hand, is not serious.

Here’s a few Kentucky Fried Facts about the Bluegrass (whatever that means) State.

-The song Happy Birthday was written in Louisville. Birthdays are not to be taken lightly. Those people are sensitive about their age and are one year closer to death. That’s like saying “Happy Death-day” to a guy who just got hit by a bus. Not funny.

-More than 500 roses are in the garland presented to the Kentucky Derby winner each year. 500 dead flowers wrapped around a horse. PETA will have a field day on you. And PETA is not to be reckoned with. I once looked up ‘serious’ in the dictionary and saw a picture of PETA. They are See-Ree-Uss. I mean, when’s the last time you frolicked naked with the merry cows and chickens? It doesn’t get more serious than that.

-More than $6 billion worth of gold is held in the underground vaults of Fort Knox. This is the largest amount of gold stored anywhere in the world. What is this? Treasure Island. We’re Americans, not pirates. And we’re supposed to believe there’s buried treasure in there. Yeah, Blackbeard was navigating the Caribbean and crashed the Jolly Roger into Kentucky. If you believe that, you belong there. In Kentucky. Where it’s not serious.

Long story short, things really are serious. And so is my blog. And hopefully I give you some insight into your own life every now and again. You know, be your supply of things that make you go hmmmm.