Demoted!

Kansas City, MO -- Felines have had it good. Perhaps too good. For many years they have flaunted their nine lives like a hillbilly with a fishing trophy. The "I always land on my feet" gig can only last so long.

In what has been called a triumph of science over sentiment, a highly controversial study has proven that the living generation of cats has only eight lives. The study, highly opposed by members of People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and cartoonist Jim Davis, claims that cats of yore did have nine lives, but this generation has lost a life to a number of factors.

The first of which is a sedentary lifestyle. Exercise scientists claim that cats don't exercise nearly as much as they used to. According to Mike Brown of the California Institute of Technology, "They had it coming. All they do is eat and sleep. If the average human lived the way modern cats do, they would have a sudden onslaught of diabetes, heart attack, and stroke by the age of 12."

Global warming has also been cited as a cause. No evidence could be found to back this up, but come on, it's global warming. That kind of credibility stands on its own.

NASA's scientists, in an effort to keep pace with the quick-advancing world of zoology, has now demoted one of its famous nine, by giving Pluto the boot.

In other news, MLB is looking into shaving an inning off the game, citing studies that prove higher attendance and more thrilling games.